Not too long ago, I was talking with a long-time friend online. We’ve known each other for many, many years and know each other’s lives in great detail pretty well.
Recently, I’ve been having a rough time with my health. My friend showed concern, but I was not in a position to talk at that moment. I said that I would send and email later on when I get the time. My friend said okay.
I wrote a full-page worth of my concerns and problems and sent it to my friend via email. That was about a week ago. Since then, I’ve received no direct reply, no posts, not even a tweet.
I, of course, being the paranoid one, ask myself “Did I do this?” Was my email so rough that it scared my friend away from me and the internet itself?
Guilt started to pour over me and I’ve come to the conclusion that yeah, perhaps I said something about my current state of health that was too disturbing to accept. Stage IV–going on Stage V (or End Stage)–is not something one takes lightly.
The cancer is in my small intestine, many places in my liver and has now consumed my lungs to the point that when I inhale oxygen, it feels like someone takes a dull, rusty machete and sticks it into the bottom of my lungs, shoving upward slowly. Yes, it hurts.
On October 1, 2013, our president’s new healthcare system went into effect (aka ObamaCare). I live in one of the 40+ states voluntarily not participating in this not-optional federal law. (Weird, right?) In protest, all my doctors are quitting their practices on January 1, 2014 when this new law goes into effect. That’s ~90% of doctors in my county that’s out of work. The rest? They’re not taking new patients. This is NOT fair in any way… but it’s legal.
Where does that leave me? Well, when my prescriptions run out, that will leave me laying on my bed, shaking uncontrollably from the pain of the cancer, probably wetting myself like a baby. The other things like diabetes and blood pressure will go through the roof unchecked. also killing me slowly.
I will have NO quality of life.
Perhaps this email (that I mostly just repeated to you) was too much for my friend, and for that, I’m deeply sorry and I apologize for saying such a heavy emotional thing.
Perhaps I should just shut my mouth in the future and keep quiet because I simply don’t want to offend anyone.
Cancer hurts. It hurts me, it’s going to hurt my family and my kids… Children is a topic that I can’t currently talk about. Although they’re going to be taken care of after I leave this plane of existence (I have a good lawyer), missing their dad is going to hurt them forever. I know, I lost mine when I was 14.
I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, my friend. Don’t let an honest email destroy a long time friendship that I value.